Amateur Malcontent

This is the place where my Crazy can come out to play.
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Last week Ryan had an entire burrito left over from lunch at Gerrardo’s. When he told me he was ready to eat it for lunch the next day, I happily pulled it out of the fridge and put it on a plate so I could heat it up in the microwave.  Then I picked the wrong time to complain out loud (next time I will just keep the complaining to myself) about how large it was and how it was going to make it difficult to reheat evenly.  I wasn’t expecting him to respond. I was just blowing off steam and was planning on using my usual method* of reheating burritos.

Unfortunately, he not only was facing me and could see what I was doing, but he also chose to point out that I was doing it completely wrong. I don’t take criticism well at all, and immediately felt attacked, so I got angry and refused to have anything more to do with his (now) stupid burrito. “If you want it heated up the way you like, then you can just do it yourself!” I yelled. Actually, there was more cussing involved, but I can’t remember the specifics anymore.

What happened next made me even more upset. Now I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want to have to deal with in an argument is a lecture on thermal engineering; specifically how heat transfer works on the molecules in a burrito. I DO NOT NEED TO BE CONDESCENDED TO ON SUCH A RIDICULOUSLY INTELLECTUAL LEVEL OVER A FUCKING BURRITO, YOU HEAR ME? I DO NOT APPRECIATE SCIENCE BEING DROPPED ON ME WHEN I AM FURIOUS! Ryan was lucky that he didn’t wind up like the teenager in this story!

I have MY WAY of dealing with large burritos not heating up evenly, and I felt my method of doing things was JUST. FINE. Ryan then complained about having to deal with dried out rice, of all fucking things, and I swear to GOD he has not ONCE brought that up to me when I have heated his burritos up in the past. EVER. Frankly, when I heat up my own burritos, I have NEVER had an issue with my rice becoming dried out!

Anyway, in the end the issue was resolved when I had calmed down a bit with all the seething and realized that we had been spending a ridiculous amount of time arguing over a fucking burrito. In the end, I caved and used his method for heating up burritos in the microwave, AND WE SHALL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

*The actual method I use doesn’t even matter at this point, but let’s just say it is very different from Ryan’s method and pretty much yields the same results.

The other day I realized I needed some new underwear. I thought about where to go, because usually I just buy a few pairs at a time from Burlington Coat Factory. They have great prices on underwear, but you never really know what is going to be available.

This time I wanted a guarantee. I wanted underwear that would fit without going up my ass, and no frills. When I was young, I loved buying the flimsiest crap I could find. After I met Ryan and discovered he could care less about lingerie, I bought a lot of boy short styles. But now? I realized  it was time. Time for me to give in to age, where comfort and practicality now rule over everything else.

I am 40 years old and I just purchased my first 6 pack of sensible, comfy underwear.

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sarahb:

bluishorange:

fidius:

noodlenaddle:

touchthepulp:

atheists.. why are they always so sad?

and they’re also goats

Happy 2 b a goat

That goat looks very content with his bathrobe and coffee.

That goat looks cozy as hell.

sarahb:

bluishorange:

fidius:

noodlenaddle:

touchthepulp:

atheists.. why are they always so sad?

and they’re also goats

Happy 2 b a goat

That goat looks very content with his bathrobe and coffee.

That goat looks cozy as hell.

This morning Ryan put the channel on the movie Daddy’s Little Dividend, and then we started talking about life in the 1950s. He likes to romanticize that time period because he’s a guy.

Me: I’m so glad you weren’t around in the 50s, you’d be strutting around even more than you do today!

Ryan: No, I’d be fighting for civil rights!

Me: Yeah, so you could get some brown sugar without being arrested.

Ryan, earnestly: No, you know what I’d really be doing? I’d—”

Me, interrupting: Fucking?

Ryan, indignantly: I’m not speaking to you anymore!

I was so excited to come home tonight because Ryan told me he was planning on making pizza. Not just any pizza, but his Roma style pizza, which is amazing. If you don’t believe me, here is a picture of the deliciousness of his pizza below.

Anyway, so I was really excited, but then I made the grave mistake of mouthing off to him about the quantity of ingredients that he had purchased. Because if there’s one thing the Toad believes to his core is that you go big or go home. I suspected this, so I said:

Me: Please tell me you didn’t buy two dough balls. I mean, I know the leftovers would be eaten, but seriously.

Ryan: I bought two dough balls. But if you only want one I can just throw it in the freezer. And the way the Bad Kitty eats leftover pizza there would not be any for Toad. The Bad Kitty is a pizza eating machine.

Me: Oh my god. I knew it. Just use one and make the one with two different halves. ORLY?!! Whatever. So what two were you going to make?

Ryan: I can’t they are going to use different sauce. It’s one or the other.

After I read this, I was shaking my head because I thought I knew best, and should tell him exactly what he should do instead. BIG MISTAKE.

Me: Wow, so you can’t just break the dough ball into two and do it that way? Jesus.

Ryan: Nope. You know what? That’s it. Now I’m not making pizza.

Here, it sinks in that I have made a grave tactical error. I begin to backpedal furiously, hoping that the Toad will have mercy on my pizza-less soul.

Me: NooOoooooo!!! Pizza!!!
Me: Please I am sorry I will shut up
Me: MUST HAVE THE PIZZA
Me: You can do whatever you want
Me: I won’t say another word
Me: Ever
Me: About making pizza
Me: Oh god I need the pizza (insert super appropriate cat meme here)


Me: Noooooooo
Me: I APOLOGIZE
Me: I AM SORRY I EVER QUESTIONED THE TOAD AND HIS METHODS
Me: PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE STILL GOING TO MAKE THE PIZZA
Me: I WILL GROVEL AT YOUR FEET WHEN I GET HOME

Ryan: If you repost this entire thread on Facebook alongside a picture of my last amazing pizza, I may consider making a pizza tonight. And it better be contrite!

I am so glad that Ryan is merciful and has agreed to make the delicious pizza, because without that pizza, I am nothing.

I had one main housecleaning chore I wanted to get done today, and I actually managed to do it after I got home from work.  I also had planned to eat healthy, but I am a sucker for food peer pressure in the worst way. The silver lining is that for lunch I at least picked a healthier option than I normally would (I don’t even want to get into the guilt I feel for eating something from Taco Bell), and for dinner I only ordered and ate one fish taco instead of two.

Baby steps, man, baby steps.

It’s the first day in the new year of 2014, and I am already worried about keeping all the resolutions I would like to keep but do not want to say out loud because I’m pretty sure I don’t have the willpower to keep them.  Then I realized that that was pretty self-defeating.  I have a lot on the list in my head of things that I would like to change for the better in 2014, and that is why it seems so overwhelming and so negative, because the willpower to say “No” to things that give me short term pleasure becomes even less when there is just so much to say no to.

But.

Perhaps that is too much of a negative way to look at things. Maybe all I really need to change is my attitude.  I’m not talking some kind of crazy super positive new age-y affirmation level shit or hitting myself over the head daily with sappy motivational quotes, no way! I’m suggesting to myself that maybe I should just focus on the stuff I manage to do right every day instead. Like keeping track of all the good things I did for myself daily, the ones that are getting me one step closer to achieving my original goals.

So. For example, I have already given in to a particular weakness for eating unhealthy food today. But—instead of dwelling on it, I am going to focus on the fact that I remembered to fill up my weekly vitamin pill container and then actually took some vitamins today. Also, I’ve already done a load of dishes and am working my way through a second load of laundry.

This has got to be one of the most ridiculously hilarious things I have ever seen.

This has got to be one of the most ridiculously hilarious things I have ever seen.

I just want it noted that the first snow fell today for the season on November 3rd so I don’t forget. That is all.

The sunflower field just north of Deer Park, Washington.